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23-Dec-2014 05:59 by 2 Comments

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CHICAGO—Despite afflicting his father and numerous members of his extended family, local man Josh Mc Calister’s genetic predisposition for heart disease was no match for the 10 half-assed push-ups he does a couple of times a week, sources said Wednesday.

ENCINITAS, CA—Intently scanning the room for signs of fatigue or excessive perspiration, local gym member Brian O’Grady reportedly kept a tally Monday of how many people were in worse shape than him.

BURLINGTON, VT—Saying there could be no other cause for the abrupt change in volume, a report released Monday found that a nearby conversation definitely just got quiet to prevent you from hearing it.

LOVELAND, CO—In an assignment meant to simulate the responsibilities of parenthood, pairs of juniors at Larimer County High School were each given an egg Monday and instructed to post nonstop photos of it to social media, sources reported.

HAMPTON, VA—Saying he wanted to wait until the time was absolutely right, local man Dennis Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he was putting off starting a family in order to spend a few more years focusing on treading water in his career.

GREAT FALLS, MT—The subtle changes to layout and decor preventing him from feeling totally at home, area man Ethan Kim told reporters Tuesday that he was unnerved by the uncanny alternate universe of local establishment Hickory Pit’s second location.

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.I can chat with girls from any where available for me 24 hours.They have nice pictures uploaded with interesting profiles.FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Making a big scene in front of everyone, disciplinarian parent Michael Torres was reportedly annoying diners at Leghorn Grill Friday far more than his unruly toddler ever possibly could.WASHINGTON—Insisting to the nation that it’s totally fine in there and that they definitely don’t need any help, the country’s top experts from the other room reported Friday that 87 percent of loud crashing noises are nothing.HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero.

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